Annunciation
by Marie Howe
Even if I don’t see it again—nor ever feel it
I know it is—and that if once it hailed me
it ever does—
And so it is myself I want to turn in that direction
not as towards a place, but it was a tilting
within myself,
as one turns a mirror to flash the light to where
it isn’t—I was blinded like that—and swam
in what shone at me
only able to endure it by being no one and so
specifically myself I thought I’d die
from being loved like that.
I have had many times to reflect on that love that first overwhelmed my heart so many years ago-how I have so poorly repaid it, how I long for others to feel and know it, how I come so short of showing it to others.
As I prepared to share at our chapel service a couple weeks ago, I could not help but use much of the time to ask forgiveness for my poor ability to show God’s love faithfully and consistently to the staff and to my patients. And yet there is something so different in this love, not of shame or condemnation, that I am not discouraged but filled with hope and joy to be here and to have the opportunity over and over again. To the young man with a new diagnosis of HIV, to the elderly lady slowly dying from metastases to her lungs, to the young boy with epilepsy and frequent seizures, I get chance after chance to show God’s love to the people of PNG. I am truly blessed.
The last two months have pushed me in new ways. I have been the most senior general doctor for about a month and a half, which means I get questions about our most difficult cases. It also means I have to decide how many patients we will see every day. I constantly feel the tension between wanting to help the biggest number while also trying to protect the well being of our team of doctors. Additionally, I supervise the medical trainees currently working at our hospital, following up on how they are meeting their requirements and scheduling their lectures. I am part of a committee tasked with bringing an EMR to our hospital and I continue to help with our medication inventory and ordering. I have also had the privilege to be in a number of conversations as we seek to make some foundational changes to the work we do at our hospital, better tailoring our work to show the love of God to our patients and to create sustainability through improved education and growth of the local healthcare work force.
Some of you may remember a blog post I shared last year about taking a trip to a rural health center called Waffa. I made good friends with a local boy named Guam and did some education for the local nursing officers about basic obstetric care. A couple weeks ago, Dr Spencer went back to visit Waffa clinic. Below are pictures of the new obstetrical ward and Guam with his family. It is fun to see new resources becoming available for the remote areas of Papua New Guinea. I am hopeful to be more involved in this when we have more doctors here for coverage.
I shared at a small bush church a few weeks ago. My sermon was based on Matthew 6, where your treasure is there your heart will be also. I also was able to share part of my testimony and the way in which God overwhelmed my heart, “ and swam/in what shone at me/only able to endure it by being no one and so/specifically myself I thought I’d die/from being loved like that.” It is such a privilege to worship with the people in these churches whose treasure is so completely set on God. I restarted our men’s group when I returned, and we have been studying James. I have been struck at the frequent theme of how God has blessed the poor to be rich in faith and to lead those who are rich in materials but poor in faith.
A couple quick cases for my medical friends
An 8yo boy came with shoulder pain and an inability to move his arm after falling while playing with friends. This was his Xray. He required several surgeries to revise the fracture.
This is the chest Xray of a 50yo woman who came to clinic with some chest pain and cough plus mild dysphagia. She had a large, calcified cyst in her chest. I’m not entirely sure what has caused it. A CT scan would be helpful in delineating the cause, but that is not readily available here and very expensive. I started her on TB medications, and she is supposed to follow up this week.
